Lately, I've been struggling with trying to figure out what I want to do in life regarding pregnancy and babies. My biological clock slowly came to life and started ticking at around 21 years old when I saw the cutest baby wearing an old man style fishing hat in the mall I was working a retail job in. That was the first time that I actively felt that I wanted a baby.
Obviously, at 21 years old, only a year into my relationship with my now husband, Tim, living with my grandparents, and working a part time job, I was in no way ready to have a baby. But, still... I felt it.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about? It's like butterflies, but in my uterus. If not, then just ignore that crazy statement and keep on reading.
That one time Igottahaveababynow feeling stayed away for another couple years and then when I was 23 and engaged, it would come on off and on randomly when I was in the presence of a cute kid or saw a super small pair of socks in a store.
|Or photographs like this |
But still, there was always this safeguard of not being ready in other aspects of my life to keep me from actually trying to get pregnant. At that time, it was being engaged and planning our wedding, while trying to go to school and work a full time job that required an ugly commute.
Flash forward to now... I'm 25, working part time by choice (mine and my husband's choice that is), married to the man of my dreams, with some money saved, and we just got the first year of marriage under our belts, to boot.
You would think the answer would be yes, but I'm not so sure. There's a few things. Number one, I'm an indecisive person by nature. When it comes to big life decisions, I kind of stall out, freak out, sleep to avoid it, and then eventually choose what I think is best. But then once I choose, I second guess for a while before being at peace with it. So, throw having a baby into the mix? That indecision gets overwhelming. We're not talking about a house plant here. We're talking about a living, breathing, teeny, tiny human being that Tim and I would be responsible for. That's a huge thing. But on the other hand, it's Tim and I and I have full confidence in our bond, our marriage, and our commitment. We could handle having a baby. We don't know anything about babies, but we would figure it out together. And then suddenly, it doesn't seem SO scary. It almost seems feasible. Almost.
Secondly, timing. How do you ever know if anything is the right time? Especially when it comes to something as astronomically huge and life changing as bringing another person into this world? Some articles I've read say to wait until you've been married 5 years to have children. Some say start as soon as possible. I don't buy into the concept of a one timeline fits all kind of marriage, but I also don't know what our timeline should be. Does that mean that now (or soonish) isn't the right time? Or does it just mean that I'm over thinking it?
A part of me wants so badly to be a mother and every time there has been a scenario in the past that has caused me to take a pregnancy test, a little bit of myself always hoped to see that positive sign, even when it was definitely not good timing. Another part of me though, a bigger part, is OK if it doesn't happen. When I married my husband, it was because I love him and want to build a life with him. It wasn't to have babies. That would just be an added bonus.
So where does that leave me? Right back where I started. Completely confused.
Mommas and Mommas to be out there: How did you know it was time?
Not yet pregnant ladies: Do you feel any of this confusion?